...to sum up 9 months.

It's always hard to start these things. I'm willing to bet that if I wrote more frequently I would have an easier time trying to convey my experiences because 1. practice makes perfect and 2. cramming a 100 days worth of lessons, life, pain and beauty into one intense composition is harder than a few here and there.

First off, I AM SO BLESSED. 

Secondly, He answers prayers. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? -Cause He does. Pray with faith, all the faith you can muster. As I look back through my journals, I see all of the prayers He has answered so completely and most of the answers surpass any result I could ever dream. What a faithful God we serve! And it is my delight to be a servant of such a good Master. 

I suppose I should start with the fact that Spring time was one of the hardest seasons I have ever been through. From failing another music therapy exam to TEAMeffort moving to Jacksonville leaving me jobless this fall, to breaking up with a man I thought was going to be my husband, to hardship with family and their understanding of my lifestyle and faith, to friendships that Satan was attacking, as well as losing about 15 pounds from all the stress (dont worry- I gained it back...) Needless to say, it was hard. In pretty much every area of life. 

But good news! It was followed by one of the sweetest seasons my soul has ever tasted. This past summer I gained yet another family in Myrtle Beach, including 5 other staff members where the ONLY common thread was we each loved Jesus (and Chickfila...), as well as some cRaZy Episcopalians that taught me what hospitality truly looks like. Refreshment consumed me, and my faith in the Lord flourished. 

My favourite quote came to life as I lived this reality in this year thus far: "The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain..." Oh the sorrow that broke me, painfully carving away so I might contain the deepest joy of my life so far. And even then, my cup overflowed. 

And here we are today. August 16th, 2012. A day that has never been lived. I am currently sitting in the TEAMeffort office preparing for "the big move" which will take place in a few weeks when we move this office down to Jacksonville, Fl. It will be a bittersweet move, as TEAMeffort has been here for 5 years now and has been a training ground for hundreds of college aged kids to go off and serve with all that they are for a summer. Even I came as a scared 20 year old little girl that didn't much experience in anything, and 5 years later I leave TEAMeffort a transformed young woman with confidence and faith to go conquer the world. 

In hopes to keep this blog on the shorter side, I will spare you the amazing God-breathed details of how my life has taken a surprising turn for these next two years. In a few weeks, I will be embarking on a crazy adventure as a worship leading intern at 12 Stone Church. This opportunity is a 2 year commitment where I will learn the functions of church ministry as well as growing deeper with my desire for music and leading people in worship. I hope to incorporate all of the instruments I have learned so far as well as implementing some principals of music therapy. I am so incredibly excited/nervous/petrified for this learning process. 

Please be praying for me as I jump into this new chapter. I know it will be faced with challenges I have never known, but I know the beauty of growth and perseverance will out weigh them all. 

I'll end with this. A verse that I have been memorizing lately- II Cor 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So let us fix out eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal." 

Wow... everything we can see with our eyes doesn't matter. But anything we can see only with our hearts, THAT is what matters. That is what bleeds over from this life to the next. So let us focus on that part of life and ONLY on that part. Amen! 

Thanks for reading this little monologue! I ask for anyone who has read this to pray for me, even a short little prayer right now. Please message me and let me know how you are and how I can pray for YOU- it would be my honour to do so. 

Just the facts

It's always hard to start these things. I'm willing to bet that if I wrote more frequently I would have an easier time trying to convey my experiences because 1. practice makes perfect and 2. cramming a 100 days worth of lessons, life, pain and beauty into one intense composition is harder than a few here and there.

First off, I AM SO BLESSED. 

Secondly, He answers prayers. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? -Cause He does. Pray with faith, all the faith you can muster. As I look back through my journals, I see all of the prayers He has answered so completely and most of the answers surpass any result I could ever dream. What a faithful God we serve! And it is my delight to be a servant of such a good Master. 

I suppose I should start with the fact that Spring time was one of the hardest seasons I have ever been through. From failing another music therapy exam to TEAMeffort moving to Jacksonville leaving me jobless this fall, to breaking up with a man I thought was going to be my husband, to hardship with family and their understanding of my lifestyle and faith, to friendships that Satan was attacking, as well as losing about 15 pounds from all the stress (dont worry- I gained it back...) Needless to say, it was hard. In pretty much every area of life. 

But good news! It was followed by one of the sweetest seasons my soul has ever tasted. This past summer I gained yet another family in Myrtle Beach, including 5 other staff members where the ONLY common thread was we each loved Jesus (and Chickfila...), as well as some cRaZy Episcopalians that taught me what hospitality truly looks like. Refreshment consumed me, and my faith in the Lord flourished. 

My favourite quote came to life as I lived this reality in this year thus far: "The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain..." Oh the sorrow that broke me, painfully carving away so I might contain the deepest joy of my life so far. And even then, my cup overflowed. 

And here we are today. August 16th, 2012. A day that has never been lived. I am currently sitting in the TEAMeffort office preparing for "the big move" which will take place in a few weeks when we move this office down to Jacksonville, Fl. It will be a bittersweet move, as TEAMeffort has been here for 5 years now and has been a training ground for hundreds of college aged kids to go off and serve with all that they are for a summer. Even I came as a scared 20 year old little girl that didn't much experience in anything, and 5 years later I leave TEAMeffort a transformed young woman with confidence and faith to go conquer the world. 

In hopes to keep this blog on the shorter side, I will spare you the amazing God-breathed details of how my life has taken a surprising turn for these next two years. In a few weeks, I will be embarking on a crazy adventure as a worship leading intern at 12 Stone Church. This opportunity is a 2 year commitment where I will learn the functions of church ministry as well as growing deeper with my desire for music and leading people in worship. I hope to incorporate all of the instruments I have learned so far as well as implementing some principals of music therapy. I am so incredibly excited/nervous/petrified for this learning process. 

Please be praying for me as I jump into this new chapter. I know it will be faced with challenges I have never known, but I know the beauty of growth and perseverance will out weigh them all. 

I'll end with this. A verse that I have been memorizing lately- II Cor 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So let us fix out eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal." 

Wow... everything we can see with our eyes doesn't matter. But anything we can see only with our hearts, THAT is what matters. That is what bleeds over from this life to the next. So let us focus on that part of life and ONLY on that part. Amen! 

Thanks for reading this little monologue! I ask for anyone who has read this to pray for me, even a short little prayer right now. Please message me and let me know how you are and how I can pray for YOU- it would be my honour to do so. 

My unfortunate long term memory leaves me not but too far gone...

I wish I had some incredible story or epic quote to introduce my mess of a heart. But, I don't. So I shall begin and perhaps I'll find the beginning of my feelings by the end of my typing...

Oh my dear friends. I pray you would not fall into the pit I have fallen into. I am devastated by my depravity and I see now how far I wander from my Good Shepherd. Praise be to Him that He will leave the 99, and come after this stray heart that isn't even worth seeking. But it is...to Him.... it just is.

"But the fruit of the Spirit love, joy, peace, patience, longsuffering, kindness..." ..."Love your enemies"..."Forgive as I have forgiven"..."Go therefore to the ends of the earth and make disciples...".... so on.

All these verse are truth. And His Word is something I can stand on. And so, like any good Christian girl would do, I started to see that I needed to "do" them. After all, if Jesus did it/said it, I had to do it too. I believed in Him and had to show people that I loved Him. That He is who He says He is. Be the Light.

So I did. I started doing them all. I worked and lived at a campus ministry. I loved on the freshmen. I loved on the Christians. I went to see the homeless here and there. I loved on my classmates that weren't Christians. I led worship. I graduated and worked full time at a missions organization. I even became a missionary. I went and served by myself and told people all about how Jesus loves them and they should live for him.

But somewhere, in the midst of all those "I"s and "doings" for Christ, the responsibility lost its fervor. But that didn't matter. Knowing that you aren't always going to feel God, knowing that I was not always going to feel like 'doing the right thing', I pressed forward. After all, you cannot base your decisions off of emotion, it must be off of the Truth. I even had a profound quote to justify my perseverance: "Feelings are excellent slaves but terrible masters." And Heaven forbid I would ever let my lack of motivation or, even worse, my apathy dictate my dedication to showing people Christ. For in my head I knew the truth. I knew the verses. Bear the fruit, be the Light. It didn't matter if I felt like it. Christ surely didn't feel like dying on the cross. But He did anyway. So must I.

Here's where the tricky part comes in. There is truth in persevering when you don't feel like. There is truth that you won't always feel God. There is so much truth in that clever little quote about feelings being terrible masters. Christ was pained by the thought of the cross, yet persevered..."O my Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."

But wait! DID YOU CATCH IT? Do you see it? .... Give up?..... Okay.

"If it is possible let this cup pass from Me."

There it is. Call it what you want. So many times we focus on Jesus' surrender and willingness to face this unbelievable death. But I cannot over look the part that resonates in my soul in this season, something so beautiful: honesty.

You see, all of those good works and "serving when ya just don't feel like it," well, sometimes they must be done when it's not convenient. Or when you plain don't wanna. But NEVER to be acted upon without the acknowledgement of the heart's state and at the sacrifice of honesty with the Lord...which brings me to my heart's current, dying state.

I'm a liar. I have been lying to God for however long now...(unfortunately is not a good sign that I cannot pinpoint a beginning to this as I  have a fairly good short term memory, but awful long term....revealing the fact this debilitating state has gone on far too long and SHOULD have been fixed long ago...)  And every 'good thing' I have done since then is, well, pointless. DO NOT get me wrong- I don't doubt one ounce the Lord used it all for His Glory, to bless others and even to grow me. But I have been so fixated on "doing" for Him, regardless of how I have felt about it, that I have lost all feeling FOR Him. Do you see? I have neglected to be honest with the Lord...

And so, like a slap in the face, I have been broken. But, the brokenness was NOT the end goal. The end goal would be that I would return to Him. Not intellectually, knowing that even though I am broken, He is still good. NO! I would return to Him with all the anger, hurt, frustration and confusion I wrestling with because THAT is honesty. And that is the bridge to the end destination: communion with the Lord. A relationship with Him.

A relationship cannot function if there is no honesty. If there is no vulnerability. And that is what Ours had been missing. And OH how jealous He is for me. For us. He was tired of me doing the right thing. Thinking the right thing. Saying the right thing. He wanted me for me. And all the emotions that came with it.

I feel like such a baby Christian now. I cannot believe I have fallen into the trap of good works. Satan, you won for a while... but guess what, He isn't done with me... =)
"I will show you my faith by my works." The reason I had a hard time 'doing all the right things' is because those things were NOT an overflow of my love for Christ. And coming to the realization where you believe you need to go tell people about Jesus' love, but deep down inside you don't even know what that love is, or if you even believe in it... that is a scary place.

GOOD news. It's an easy fix. I must seek Him. With all that I am. With everything I have. Emotions included. Whether they are 'true and right' or not, He wants to know. And through His Word, and His Romance, I am being healed.

I am blessed to have a God, a Father, a Lover, A Saviour that desires my desires, my anger, my pain, my joy, my roller coasters of emotion, my honesty.



“Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions.” 
~David Hume

sandy, rough black-bottomed feet

The Word has been encouraging me so much lately. Actually, it tends do that whenever I let it.

I have been having an interesting time at this point in my life. I feel as though my heart is being pulled in about 23 different directions. Okay. Only about 7. Still... 7 is 6 too many.

I remember when I stepped foot on this island to 2 months ago to finish up my time here in Hopetown. Oh how hard it was to come back to this little tiny island, far away from the mountains I love so much, far away from the man I love so much, far away from the two most precious girls and their mommy I love so much, far away from the Chickfila I LOVE so much.... needless to say, physically I was back in Hopetown, but emotionally my heart was miles away.

So I prayed.

And then I went about my life, struggling for about 4 weeks to be here. Luckily the Lord knew that I wouldn't have been able to do it alone. That's why an angel named Kristen came back with me for this leg of my adventure.

Days passed, slowly. But, each new day was a little faster than the last.

And here we are. November 16, 2011. The speed of today was far too fast. 32 days left. I dread December 19th. I can't even buy my plane ticket home. I AM home. This old couch that has seated smelly 12 year old boys every week for years is the couch I call mine. The hot water knob in the shower that falls off every time you take a shower is my faithfully broken knob. The TV that doesn't like to clearly play DVDS without you coaxing it for 5 minutes before watching a movie is my stubborn TV. The beloved bike I ride everywhere is my transportation. The ocean where I walk every day to find sea glass is my backyard. The lady who works in Ebb Tide, the same lady who sits faithfully in her seat every Sunday at church, the same lady who everyone knows as Granny- she is my Granny. The grungy old man with a filthy mouth and a heart of gold that knows everything about these waters we are surrounded by, is affectionately known as Maitland- my troublemaker. The children, oh the children whom I see everyday be it at Christmas play practice, or in the Grocery store, or at piano lessons, or when they come to my house to bring me a flower or a sweet treat, those are my children. The kids who come into my home at least twice a week, hungry to live for something other than the unfulfilling ways they see most everyone around them practice, those are my kids. The man and woman whose whom home I go into whenever I please, if I need cinnamon, or if the power is out, or if I need water that doesn't taste funny, that's Mrs. Carrie and Mo, my angels. Do you see? I'm home.

What's the point of all this? Well, just tonight I was sitting here on that same smelly couch I was telling you about earlier, pondering life. Why do I have to leave? Could I stay? How did this place outsmart me and when did it become my home? How am I going to leave? Where is my heart? If only it had Chickfila!

(From my journal)
"Friday, September 16, 2011....'Back in Hopetown'. Father, thank you for giving us a safe trip. We've already been so blessed seeing Mrs. Jane, Ms. Lucille, Ellie, Eden, Tristan, Britt and Dana... and heather making us yummy food.
Lord, please put my heart here. I DO want to end this time well. I refuse to half ass do anything. Give me a heart and concern for them here, especially the kids. Keep me in Your Word. Help me feel settled in. May I know this is all Yours."

Folks, I know I am one life living in the midst of the chaos of 7 billion other people's lives, but He answers prayers. He does. He answers mine. He answers yours. Unfortunately in this case, and for some reason surprisingly, He did it well (typical behaviour of this God I love....) I wanted my heart to be here, for these kids especially. And IT IS. I love riding bike through town and spotting a tourist just by the way they walk. I love going to church that should take 2.5 minutes on a bike, but takes 10 minutes because you see 5 people along the way to stop and see how their day is. I love that I am trapped on an island and the only way to get off is by boat. I love that if you need something, someone knows somebody that has that something for you (and it is usually in hand with 24 hours). I love that when someone is in need, the community has a fundraiser. I love that you know where to find Mr. Don at 5 o'clock on a Monday night- Jacks, a "small one" in front of him, getting ready to play bingo. I love the sound of generators because you know that everyone is wondering when the power is going to come back on. I love that I can learn about things not many people in the world can learn about, like hauling, and experience it in incredible ways.

I love how the Lord did not let my flesh rob my heart from the joy of finding its home here. 32 days are going to come, the Lord willing. And my bags will be packed, and I will purchase that plane ticket. And I will leave, reluctantly, but I will. However, this crazy little island in the middle of the ocean will always be a home to me.

My prayers were answered. And now I have to start praying the next prayer, for the next season. Lord, help my heart leave. Just as He answered the last one, I believe He will answer this one, beautifully and sufficiently. But help me pray it Father.

"How then can they call no one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, 'How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news." Romans 9:14-15

I've been sent. All because someone was sent to me. And my hope is now that as I leave they too will be sent, and accept the how beautiful there feet can be. My sandy, rough black-bottomed feet are considered beautiful, all because of the Good News.

A Day of Motherhood

I have about 30 kids. They all have different colors of skin, with different shoe sizes, different accents, different color of eyes. Their ages are anywhere between 3 and 19. Some are Haitian, some Bahamian, some Canadian. Some are quiet, some are bold, some love to bake, some love to rap, some can even juggle.

Lots of people ask what I do here. Well, this is it. I'm a secretary when I make the church bulletins. I'm a worship leader when I try and usher people into the presence of our Living God. I'm a preacher when I speak of my testimony about the ways He is constantly growing me. I'm a youth leader when I lead youth group for three hours on Saturday. I'm a Bible teacher when I open the Word and facilitate conversation. I'm a cook (and a not so good one sometimes...) every Wednesday night for the senior kids. I'm a treasurer when I count the money from the bake sale and keep record of it for our "salesmen." I'm "Public Relations" when advertising for our fundraisers. I'm a janitor when I clean dead lizards out from the air condition vent and sweep up the cookie crumbs from the floor.

And today, I'm a mother. 

 And I have a mother's love for each of my kids. I am honoured to buy ice cream for them, to correct them when they have accused someone of something that needs to be washed in forgiveness, to encourage them when they lead youth group with their own ideas, to let them be free to ride their skateboards in my house (which is God's), to validate them when they are vulnerable, to welcome them in to discuss matters about whether a lie is a sin or not, to teach them piano, to watch scary movies with them, to cook them breakfast, to teach them how to jump rope and see the joy on their face when they finally succeed, to correct them when they are jumping on the couch, to forgive them when they have apologized for jumping on the couch, to be patient as I help them with their typing homework, to love them with my eyes and words and heart.

But what is still greater is that I am loved in return.

I am a slave to Christ- to righteousness. I am a missionary. I am allowed to be Jesus to these precious children every day. Grace at its finest. I have the honour of loving as I have been loved by my Father, my Saviour.  I will fail, as I have already, many times. But they have grace for me. I wasn't here at the beginning, nor will I remain for even but a year, for my time will end a few short months from now. But, if in the end I was used to bring just one life closer to Christ through these things like being a mother, then I was humbled enough to be used. It's all His plan. His orchestration. He knew. He knows.

Lord, use me more every day. Just like today.

"But He answered them, saying, 'Who is My mother, or My brothers?' And He looked around in a circle at those who say about Him and said, 'Here are My mother and My brothers. For whoever does the will of God is My brother and My sister and mother." Mark 3:34-35

Thank you Lord for allowing us know no end to family in the body of Christ. Thank you for all my "mamas", "pops", sisters and brothers. And thank you for letting me be a mother today.

Please pray for my kids. They need more of Him, just like you. Just like me.

Nothing Much

Well, there isn't a wonderful story today that has a deep meaning.... ha. But there are a few minor things to report:
- I finished reading Acts and now the Lord wants me to read 1 Corinthians. Read chapter 3 and MAN, am I getting alot already. Of course... it's the Word.
- I miss my friends. A whole bunch. But I'm continually learning how God is my friend.
- I really really want Chickfila. And I'd cannot wait until I don't have to pay 10 dollars for a carton of ice cream.
- I have been fasting from Facebook and skype. I finish the fast tomorrow. I have learned so much- and I have had so much more time to be with Jesus. He brought me here to serve AS WELL as to love have a season with JUST Him.
- Currently, these two pieces have been speaking to me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmoJ0UsJ4Vo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nhcTllJgIY
- God has been teaching me that I need not think about the future b/c every moment I dedicate to the future, I am rob of the present. THIS is the door He has opened for me. And I am living in it. Though I am very curious, and slightly anxious about the future, I know God will take care of me. Period. And I don't want to look back on my time here and have any feelings of regret.
- The Bahamas Methodist Conference is having a council retreat next week which means... I'm going to Nassau! How fun! I'm excited to get away for a few days...and then....when i return........
- Keri and Alison will be coming the next day!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! Right on time. I need this visit. And He knew it. I pray we will all have a refreshing and unforgettable time.
- Tonight at youth we are watching my favorite movie: The Book of Eli. I am STOKED. I pray that the kids would see all the Jesus that is wrapped up in it.

Ok, I think that is it for now. =)

Kit-Kats

This evening I had the privilege of babysitting Molly, 7, and Will, 5. These kids have strawberry blonde hair, wonderfully green eyes and precious freckles, perfectly placed on their faces. I was babysitting them because it was their parent's anniversary. During our dinner, Molly started to explain the gift they had prepared for this special occasion, consisting of a poem, a drawing, and two kit-kats tied together. Molly, very proud of her composition, read it to me multiple times and, in the process, teaching Will to read "his parts" too. Both were very excited about these gifts that had been thoughtfully prepared to give to their parents.
At one point Molly spoke about her beloved Halloween candy, saying, "Kit kats are my favorite. It is very hard for me to give these up!"Will held the candy, beaming, so excited to give his parents this ingenious gift. It was at that moment, gazing at the face of this precious 5 year old, that God spoke to me....

.... to these kids this candy was the best of their world. It was the best they had to sacrifice to give to their parents. But they did so, gladly. They did not take into consideration where it came from or how it came to be theirs, all they knew was that it was indeed theirs.
From their parent's perspective, there would be no element of surprise by this gift. In fact, they were the ones that took them trick or treating to get this delicious treat. Without them, Molly and Will would not even have this candy. And even though the gift itself will probably not be a big deal to the recipients, the love behind it will mean the world. Because Molly and Will gave Mommy and Daddy the best of their world today: two kit kats.

Now I know you can see the symbolism, but I cannot help but continue. Everything and anything we give God was given to us BY HIIM in the first place. Everything. There is nothing we cannot give Him that is not already His. Whew. That is an intense thought. Let's unpack it even more, shall we?
One of my favorite passages in 1 Samuel says that God does not look at the outward appearance as man does, rather at the heart. God does not necessarily see what we give Him, it's already His. But, it is HOW we give it to Him. Where is our heart in giving to Him? It's His anyways... why do we not give Him more? Give Him everything?! Man....

Two kit kats. That's how I learned about the Lord today. Two people celebrating their marriage of 8 years, two kids who love those parents enough to give them their most prized possession, and two kit kats.

No proof reading- sorry....It's now 23:22. ha... bed time. I love you Father.