I wish I had some incredible story or epic quote to introduce my mess of a heart. But, I don't. So I shall begin and perhaps I'll find the beginning of my feelings by the end of my typing...
Oh my dear friends. I pray you would not fall into the pit I have fallen into. I am devastated by my depravity and I see now how far I wander from my Good Shepherd. Praise be to Him that He will leave the 99, and come after this stray heart that isn't even worth seeking. But it is...to Him.... it just is.
"But the fruit of the Spirit love, joy, peace, patience, longsuffering, kindness..." ..."Love your enemies"..."Forgive as I have forgiven"..."Go therefore to the ends of the earth and make disciples...".... so on.
All these verse are truth. And His Word is something I can stand on. And so, like any good Christian girl would do, I started to see that I needed to "do" them. After all, if Jesus did it/said it, I had to do it too. I believed in Him and had to show people that I loved Him. That He is who He says He is. Be the Light.
So I did. I started doing them all. I worked and lived at a campus ministry. I loved on the freshmen. I loved on the Christians. I went to see the homeless here and there. I loved on my classmates that weren't Christians. I led worship. I graduated and worked full time at a missions organization. I even became a missionary. I went and served by myself and told people all about how Jesus loves them and they should live for him.
But somewhere, in the midst of all those "I"s and "doings" for Christ, the responsibility lost its fervor. But that didn't matter. Knowing that you aren't always going to feel God, knowing that I was not always going to feel like 'doing the right thing', I pressed forward. After all, you cannot base your decisions off of emotion, it must be off of the Truth. I even had a profound quote to justify my perseverance: "Feelings are excellent slaves but terrible masters." And Heaven forbid I would ever let my lack of motivation or, even worse, my apathy dictate my dedication to showing people Christ. For in my head I knew the truth. I knew the verses. Bear the fruit, be the Light. It didn't matter if I felt like it. Christ surely didn't feel like dying on the cross. But He did anyway. So must I.
Here's where the tricky part comes in. There is truth in persevering when you don't feel like. There is truth that you won't always feel God. There is so much truth in that clever little quote about feelings being terrible masters. Christ was pained by the thought of the cross, yet persevered..."O my Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."
But wait! DID YOU CATCH IT? Do you see it? .... Give up?..... Okay.
"If it is possible let this cup pass from Me."
There it is. Call it what you want. So many times we focus on Jesus' surrender and willingness to face this unbelievable death. But I cannot over look the part that resonates in my soul in this season, something so beautiful: honesty.
You see, all of those good works and "serving when ya just don't feel like it," well, sometimes they must be done when it's not convenient. Or when you plain don't wanna. But NEVER to be acted upon without the acknowledgement of the heart's state and at the sacrifice of honesty with the Lord...which brings me to my heart's current, dying state.
I'm a liar. I have been lying to God for however long now...(unfortunately is not a good sign that I cannot pinpoint a beginning to this as I have a fairly good short term memory, but awful long term....revealing the fact this debilitating state has gone on far too long and SHOULD have been fixed long ago...) And every 'good thing' I have done since then is, well, pointless. DO NOT get me wrong- I don't doubt one ounce the Lord used it all for His Glory, to bless others and even to grow me. But I have been so fixated on "doing" for Him, regardless of how I have felt about it, that I have lost all feeling FOR Him. Do you see? I have neglected to be honest with the Lord...
And so, like a slap in the face, I have been broken. But, the brokenness was NOT the end goal. The end goal would be that I would return to Him. Not intellectually, knowing that even though I am broken, He is still good. NO! I would return to Him with all the anger, hurt, frustration and confusion I wrestling with because THAT is honesty. And that is the bridge to the end destination: communion with the Lord. A relationship with Him.
A relationship cannot function if there is no honesty. If there is no vulnerability. And that is what Ours had been missing. And OH how jealous He is for me. For us. He was tired of me doing the right thing. Thinking the right thing. Saying the right thing. He wanted me for me. And all the emotions that came with it.
I feel like such a baby Christian now. I cannot believe I have fallen into the trap of good works. Satan, you won for a while... but guess what, He isn't done with me... =)
"I will show you my faith by my works." The reason I had a hard time 'doing all the right things' is because those things were NOT an overflow of my love for Christ. And coming to the realization where you believe you need to go tell people about Jesus' love, but deep down inside you don't even know what that love is, or if you even believe in it... that is a scary place.
GOOD news. It's an easy fix. I must seek Him. With all that I am. With everything I have. Emotions included. Whether they are 'true and right' or not, He wants to know. And through His Word, and His Romance, I am being healed.
I am blessed to have a God, a Father, a Lover, A Saviour that desires my desires, my anger, my pain, my joy, my roller coasters of emotion, my honesty.
“Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions.”
~David Hume
