...to sum up 9 months.

It's always hard to start these things. I'm willing to bet that if I wrote more frequently I would have an easier time trying to convey my experiences because 1. practice makes perfect and 2. cramming a 100 days worth of lessons, life, pain and beauty into one intense composition is harder than a few here and there.

First off, I AM SO BLESSED. 

Secondly, He answers prayers. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? -Cause He does. Pray with faith, all the faith you can muster. As I look back through my journals, I see all of the prayers He has answered so completely and most of the answers surpass any result I could ever dream. What a faithful God we serve! And it is my delight to be a servant of such a good Master. 

I suppose I should start with the fact that Spring time was one of the hardest seasons I have ever been through. From failing another music therapy exam to TEAMeffort moving to Jacksonville leaving me jobless this fall, to breaking up with a man I thought was going to be my husband, to hardship with family and their understanding of my lifestyle and faith, to friendships that Satan was attacking, as well as losing about 15 pounds from all the stress (dont worry- I gained it back...) Needless to say, it was hard. In pretty much every area of life. 

But good news! It was followed by one of the sweetest seasons my soul has ever tasted. This past summer I gained yet another family in Myrtle Beach, including 5 other staff members where the ONLY common thread was we each loved Jesus (and Chickfila...), as well as some cRaZy Episcopalians that taught me what hospitality truly looks like. Refreshment consumed me, and my faith in the Lord flourished. 

My favourite quote came to life as I lived this reality in this year thus far: "The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain..." Oh the sorrow that broke me, painfully carving away so I might contain the deepest joy of my life so far. And even then, my cup overflowed. 

And here we are today. August 16th, 2012. A day that has never been lived. I am currently sitting in the TEAMeffort office preparing for "the big move" which will take place in a few weeks when we move this office down to Jacksonville, Fl. It will be a bittersweet move, as TEAMeffort has been here for 5 years now and has been a training ground for hundreds of college aged kids to go off and serve with all that they are for a summer. Even I came as a scared 20 year old little girl that didn't much experience in anything, and 5 years later I leave TEAMeffort a transformed young woman with confidence and faith to go conquer the world. 

In hopes to keep this blog on the shorter side, I will spare you the amazing God-breathed details of how my life has taken a surprising turn for these next two years. In a few weeks, I will be embarking on a crazy adventure as a worship leading intern at 12 Stone Church. This opportunity is a 2 year commitment where I will learn the functions of church ministry as well as growing deeper with my desire for music and leading people in worship. I hope to incorporate all of the instruments I have learned so far as well as implementing some principals of music therapy. I am so incredibly excited/nervous/petrified for this learning process. 

Please be praying for me as I jump into this new chapter. I know it will be faced with challenges I have never known, but I know the beauty of growth and perseverance will out weigh them all. 

I'll end with this. A verse that I have been memorizing lately- II Cor 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So let us fix out eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal." 

Wow... everything we can see with our eyes doesn't matter. But anything we can see only with our hearts, THAT is what matters. That is what bleeds over from this life to the next. So let us focus on that part of life and ONLY on that part. Amen! 

Thanks for reading this little monologue! I ask for anyone who has read this to pray for me, even a short little prayer right now. Please message me and let me know how you are and how I can pray for YOU- it would be my honour to do so. 

Just the facts

It's always hard to start these things. I'm willing to bet that if I wrote more frequently I would have an easier time trying to convey my experiences because 1. practice makes perfect and 2. cramming a 100 days worth of lessons, life, pain and beauty into one intense composition is harder than a few here and there.

First off, I AM SO BLESSED. 

Secondly, He answers prayers. DO YOU BELIEVE THAT? -Cause He does. Pray with faith, all the faith you can muster. As I look back through my journals, I see all of the prayers He has answered so completely and most of the answers surpass any result I could ever dream. What a faithful God we serve! And it is my delight to be a servant of such a good Master. 

I suppose I should start with the fact that Spring time was one of the hardest seasons I have ever been through. From failing another music therapy exam to TEAMeffort moving to Jacksonville leaving me jobless this fall, to breaking up with a man I thought was going to be my husband, to hardship with family and their understanding of my lifestyle and faith, to friendships that Satan was attacking, as well as losing about 15 pounds from all the stress (dont worry- I gained it back...) Needless to say, it was hard. In pretty much every area of life. 

But good news! It was followed by one of the sweetest seasons my soul has ever tasted. This past summer I gained yet another family in Myrtle Beach, including 5 other staff members where the ONLY common thread was we each loved Jesus (and Chickfila...), as well as some cRaZy Episcopalians that taught me what hospitality truly looks like. Refreshment consumed me, and my faith in the Lord flourished. 

My favourite quote came to life as I lived this reality in this year thus far: "The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain..." Oh the sorrow that broke me, painfully carving away so I might contain the deepest joy of my life so far. And even then, my cup overflowed. 

And here we are today. August 16th, 2012. A day that has never been lived. I am currently sitting in the TEAMeffort office preparing for "the big move" which will take place in a few weeks when we move this office down to Jacksonville, Fl. It will be a bittersweet move, as TEAMeffort has been here for 5 years now and has been a training ground for hundreds of college aged kids to go off and serve with all that they are for a summer. Even I came as a scared 20 year old little girl that didn't much experience in anything, and 5 years later I leave TEAMeffort a transformed young woman with confidence and faith to go conquer the world. 

In hopes to keep this blog on the shorter side, I will spare you the amazing God-breathed details of how my life has taken a surprising turn for these next two years. In a few weeks, I will be embarking on a crazy adventure as a worship leading intern at 12 Stone Church. This opportunity is a 2 year commitment where I will learn the functions of church ministry as well as growing deeper with my desire for music and leading people in worship. I hope to incorporate all of the instruments I have learned so far as well as implementing some principals of music therapy. I am so incredibly excited/nervous/petrified for this learning process. 

Please be praying for me as I jump into this new chapter. I know it will be faced with challenges I have never known, but I know the beauty of growth and perseverance will out weigh them all. 

I'll end with this. A verse that I have been memorizing lately- II Cor 4:16-18: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So let us fix out eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal." 

Wow... everything we can see with our eyes doesn't matter. But anything we can see only with our hearts, THAT is what matters. That is what bleeds over from this life to the next. So let us focus on that part of life and ONLY on that part. Amen! 

Thanks for reading this little monologue! I ask for anyone who has read this to pray for me, even a short little prayer right now. Please message me and let me know how you are and how I can pray for YOU- it would be my honour to do so. 

My unfortunate long term memory leaves me not but too far gone...

I wish I had some incredible story or epic quote to introduce my mess of a heart. But, I don't. So I shall begin and perhaps I'll find the beginning of my feelings by the end of my typing...

Oh my dear friends. I pray you would not fall into the pit I have fallen into. I am devastated by my depravity and I see now how far I wander from my Good Shepherd. Praise be to Him that He will leave the 99, and come after this stray heart that isn't even worth seeking. But it is...to Him.... it just is.

"But the fruit of the Spirit love, joy, peace, patience, longsuffering, kindness..." ..."Love your enemies"..."Forgive as I have forgiven"..."Go therefore to the ends of the earth and make disciples...".... so on.

All these verse are truth. And His Word is something I can stand on. And so, like any good Christian girl would do, I started to see that I needed to "do" them. After all, if Jesus did it/said it, I had to do it too. I believed in Him and had to show people that I loved Him. That He is who He says He is. Be the Light.

So I did. I started doing them all. I worked and lived at a campus ministry. I loved on the freshmen. I loved on the Christians. I went to see the homeless here and there. I loved on my classmates that weren't Christians. I led worship. I graduated and worked full time at a missions organization. I even became a missionary. I went and served by myself and told people all about how Jesus loves them and they should live for him.

But somewhere, in the midst of all those "I"s and "doings" for Christ, the responsibility lost its fervor. But that didn't matter. Knowing that you aren't always going to feel God, knowing that I was not always going to feel like 'doing the right thing', I pressed forward. After all, you cannot base your decisions off of emotion, it must be off of the Truth. I even had a profound quote to justify my perseverance: "Feelings are excellent slaves but terrible masters." And Heaven forbid I would ever let my lack of motivation or, even worse, my apathy dictate my dedication to showing people Christ. For in my head I knew the truth. I knew the verses. Bear the fruit, be the Light. It didn't matter if I felt like it. Christ surely didn't feel like dying on the cross. But He did anyway. So must I.

Here's where the tricky part comes in. There is truth in persevering when you don't feel like. There is truth that you won't always feel God. There is so much truth in that clever little quote about feelings being terrible masters. Christ was pained by the thought of the cross, yet persevered..."O my Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will."

But wait! DID YOU CATCH IT? Do you see it? .... Give up?..... Okay.

"If it is possible let this cup pass from Me."

There it is. Call it what you want. So many times we focus on Jesus' surrender and willingness to face this unbelievable death. But I cannot over look the part that resonates in my soul in this season, something so beautiful: honesty.

You see, all of those good works and "serving when ya just don't feel like it," well, sometimes they must be done when it's not convenient. Or when you plain don't wanna. But NEVER to be acted upon without the acknowledgement of the heart's state and at the sacrifice of honesty with the Lord...which brings me to my heart's current, dying state.

I'm a liar. I have been lying to God for however long now...(unfortunately is not a good sign that I cannot pinpoint a beginning to this as I  have a fairly good short term memory, but awful long term....revealing the fact this debilitating state has gone on far too long and SHOULD have been fixed long ago...)  And every 'good thing' I have done since then is, well, pointless. DO NOT get me wrong- I don't doubt one ounce the Lord used it all for His Glory, to bless others and even to grow me. But I have been so fixated on "doing" for Him, regardless of how I have felt about it, that I have lost all feeling FOR Him. Do you see? I have neglected to be honest with the Lord...

And so, like a slap in the face, I have been broken. But, the brokenness was NOT the end goal. The end goal would be that I would return to Him. Not intellectually, knowing that even though I am broken, He is still good. NO! I would return to Him with all the anger, hurt, frustration and confusion I wrestling with because THAT is honesty. And that is the bridge to the end destination: communion with the Lord. A relationship with Him.

A relationship cannot function if there is no honesty. If there is no vulnerability. And that is what Ours had been missing. And OH how jealous He is for me. For us. He was tired of me doing the right thing. Thinking the right thing. Saying the right thing. He wanted me for me. And all the emotions that came with it.

I feel like such a baby Christian now. I cannot believe I have fallen into the trap of good works. Satan, you won for a while... but guess what, He isn't done with me... =)
"I will show you my faith by my works." The reason I had a hard time 'doing all the right things' is because those things were NOT an overflow of my love for Christ. And coming to the realization where you believe you need to go tell people about Jesus' love, but deep down inside you don't even know what that love is, or if you even believe in it... that is a scary place.

GOOD news. It's an easy fix. I must seek Him. With all that I am. With everything I have. Emotions included. Whether they are 'true and right' or not, He wants to know. And through His Word, and His Romance, I am being healed.

I am blessed to have a God, a Father, a Lover, A Saviour that desires my desires, my anger, my pain, my joy, my roller coasters of emotion, my honesty.



“Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions.” 
~David Hume